911 dispatch: The child is running where now Ma'am?
Me: (Running and soaking wet) South on **** street, towards, I don't know the street, I don't have my glasses on and it's pouring rain. Wait a second, okay, **** street.
911 dispatch: An officer is about to approach
Me: Okay, I see him. (waving arms while running, in pouring rain, without my face even on for the day yet!)
Officer 1: (stepping out of his vehicle, we meet eyes, seem to speak to each other but don't, he runs to one side of a house 1/2 mile away from my home and I run to the other side)
Me: (sound of door clicking or attempting to be opened) Do not go into that home! There could be kids in there! Get away! (opening gate of strangers home, praying please dear God don't let me get charged with trespassing)
Child: (wearing no shoes, only socks, after running away from our home, a half mile away and in the pouring rain) (Jumps fence, then another fence, then another) (Now on the next block)
Me: **** come back here! (Thinking, where in the world did she learn to hop fences!) I will take you where you want to go, just stop running! The police are coming! (Officers 2, 3 & 4 cornering vehicles, exiting vehicles and approaching) Don't do anything stupid ****, they have guns, just let them bring you back home!
Child: I want them to shoot me! I want to die!
Officers 1, 2, 3 & 4: (likely CIT officers (officers that have had Crisis Intervention Training)
Child: (resisting arrest mildly - I have seen worse) I don't want to live in your stupid family. I hate you!
Me: Well that is your choice and I am sorry you feel that way. I love you regardless.
I have learned when you allow severely traumatized kids into your home, you open up the opportunity to get burned and burned bad. This may understandably deter many people from wanting to foster, but I don't want to do that. I want to advocate that there be more godly foster parents out there that are willing to open themselves up to helping these kids heal. So just bear with me, I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just may not be the light you expect just as it was not what we expected either. These kids didn't get to where they are by any fault of their own, but the negative consequences of their parents/biological family will continue to sew discord and chaos for likely years to come and that means as a foster parent; you better be prepared to be a punching bag.
From the sentimental last post I may two months ago, a lot has changed. I wouldn't adjust any of it other than more closely walking with Jesus and honoring God in my every breath, not just some of my breaths. I wouldn't take away the gut wrenching pain I've experienced, or the anger that has brought me to the point I thought I could do terrible things. This is exactly where I believe God can create his most beautiful masterpiece of me. I am honored to be able to get to a place of introspect in which I can see how ugly my heart can be (the ugliness I believe we are all capable of). Understanding this helps me understand how truly holy and perfect God is and that only through Him can I be who I am suppose to be. This is after all something I signed up for. I didn't have to, and could have easily chosen not to, but I did and here I am (we really, as this is with my husband too, this is just my expression though). Should I hit the easy button now?
It certainly has not been all fun, in fact most of it has not been fun. I have most certainly felt on an island at times in my distress, have been tempted to spar with my husband who is definitely not the enemy, have wanted to retreat, have wanted to punch a wall, or a face, however, I have refrained just for the record! Even my husband and my arguments earlier on in our marriage have never brought me to a place of rage like having kids from trauma has. Trying to love someone who is fighting so strongly against you when you are doing so much to help them is a conundrum that I believe only another person who has lived day in and day out with someone overcoming trauma can understand. It would be much easier, happier and more pain free to just throw in the towel.
And while we are not throwing in the towel, but at this point the towel has been thrown on us. This child has chosen not to come back to us. Even though we have stuck things out through after multiple police calls, arrests, assaults, acute hospital stays, residential stays, school suspensions, fights, attacks, allegations, run aways, property damage, this child is un-choosing us. Wow, okay God! Didn't see that one coming! Possibly expected this from another, but not this one. But it is happening. I sure wish she would have chosen otherwise, however, I am content with her choice though, and believe God is still sovereign. She has stated she does not want to be adopted by us, or anyone else and wishes to remain in foster care until she ages out at 18. At this time she seems more content to not have to work on true conflict resolution and would rather have a new staff member every few hours and therapy that can only run so deep without a consistent supportive care giver. We believe she is so hurt and distrusts all adults that she would rather end things on her terms, than dealing with the possibility of things ending on our terms and working on her problems. This is so sad, but we were knee deep and desiring so much to move forward! I quit my job, made myself available for early afternoon school release from alternative school and prepared our home to be the best for her.
We do know she deeply cares for us though. She is allowed to make phone calls twice as week, and twice a week my phone rings from her residential facility. We will continue to love her at a distance and hope and pray the best for her. Meanwhile her brother is still with us, after nearly two years.
This is not my first rodeo and not my first heart jab by a hurt kiddo, so I can go through the stages of grief fairly quickly now. I am just down right pissed at first, then sad, then I am looking to see what God wants to show me. This can often happen in a matter of minutes to just a few hours - improvement from taking days a while back! There is nothing new under the sun, and none of these experiences, behaviors we have had to deal with or pain is new to us that someone else hasn't already experienced in some way or another. We are not special by any means. However, I am grateful beyond logical belief that there is hope in a Savior that brings so much peace and joy WHILE the terrible nasty is happening. Seriously though, WHILE it is happening. In the middle of it, in the midst of it, God is still present! In the midst of having terrible thoughts and thinking I am the most revolting human on this Earth and God is still present! When I feel so rejected by a child I have loved so much, God is still present! When I just for a second wish others would make better choices (ones that preferable don't include trying to tarnish my reputation), God is still present! When I feel like so few people can understand how hard fostering is, God is still present! He is freaking present! Choose to believe that or not, those are the words I live by. What is so amazing about the Lord is that this whole time we have sought Him about having these kids in our home and even though we have strayed from time to time, our prayer has always been for God to clearly shut the door if it is not meant to be. The door has been shut. It slammed actually in a way we would have never guessed. But to God be the glory. Another door will open, we know... for us and for her.
So we have her brother. He has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Over the past few months his behaviors have exacerbated. Things have occurred that would make most people shudder. My other children have requested that he leave as they are on edge with him around, afraid that he is going to hurt their mom. And why wouldn't they be afraid? When they see him make his hand into a gun and point his index finger towards me and pull the trigger, stating he wants me dead. Yep folks, we asked for this. We chose to have kids from severe trauma into our home and we wouldn't change it for the world. We love them and God loves them more than we do. God is in the business of changing hearts, and we are graciously called to join along if we so choose. These little hearts have been damaged so badly, and they need healing desperately. They need to be healed for their own sake, but also for the sake of society. What one man and woman, and likely generations before have done to desecrate, God desires to mend fully. So while this threat to harm me is only the tip of the iceberg of threats and physical violence towards me in particular in front of my other children, we still love this child. We love him so much that we now realize that while he has truly come so far in the almost two years he has been in our home, he can come no further and is now starting to digress. He needs to be in a family with no other children or much older children. The team around him, lead by us, have come to this conclusion. His needs are too great for us, and me in particular to provide consistently and in our home there is a lot of competition and he needs to be the center of attention and affection. We are in the midst of finding a placement for him that will be most fitting and believe we have that family, who has no other children and seem incredibly perfect for him in every way.
This will be yet another massive trauma for him, leaving our home. While he can be so violent towards me (typically for a child with RAD towards the primary care giver) and self harming to the point of requiring one hospital admission and needing a second but due to full hospital census he could not be admitted, he has started to attach to us, clearly. We believe he will be able to fully heal when he can be the sole focus of at least one loving parent. We are excited about his potential and are begging God that we can continue to remain in his life forever, just not at the capacity we originally thought. He deserves to be loved just like any other child.
As you go through the training to become a foster parent in Missouri (and I assume other states as well), you are taught that once a child enters your home you should be prepared to adopt this child. While this is an ideal situation, it may not always be the most practical. There is a lot of pressure on foster parents to continue fostering/adopting children that flip your household upside down, no matter what. There can be the presence of shame when this baseline recommendation is altered. We struggled with this for months. You can be ousted as a foster parent if you change your mind. You can be shamed. Putting notice on a child to leave your home is not simple task and I respect the hell out of other foster parents that have had to do this. I believe most of them having to make a decision like ours have been tormented for hours, days, weeks or months. When you become a foster parent, you are in the business of cleaning up other people's messes. While I greatly dislike referring to a child as a mess, it is the reality. These kids did not choose their parents. They did not choose for their parents to neglect or abuse them, but it happened. It is the society we are in right now in which broken families are the norm and ACE scores of 2+ are frequent. We wonder why so many people harm others. Hurt people, hurt people. Generation after generation, hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people, hurt people on minor scales and major ones. We should all be doing our part to try to heal the hearts of little people before they grow up to be big people that hurt other people and perpetuate the cycle. This likely won't bring wide spread healing without the Master Healer's involvement though. My belief is that without Jesus, we can only do so much. Jesus is the true reconciler and healer and coming from someone who has drastically altered her life to help traumatized kids. I don't agree to term it as failing, it is undoubtedly not the outcome we hoped for and anticipated, it's just redirection and a stronger foundation for future growth. We can only do so much. We are only human. There is a greater power that IS able to heal though. We must trust that even while we have not been chosen for the long haul for these little souls, God has a plan for them and we hope they will discover it and accept it.
My heart hurts. I am exhausted mentally and need a break with the just the four kids we have to regain focus and give them the time that has been taken away from them. I am weak, but yet motivated and encouraged. I certainly experience those days which I just feel down and defeated, but those are few and far between because I don't want to wade in those feelings. They are treacherous and will suck you down and suffocate you faster than any quicksand could I am sure. I have great hope for the future for these kids that our home has been touched by, as well as hope for our future family to grow. We may have been burned, but we are the lesser of the ones experiencing emotional burn trauma. We do not fear the fire and do not believe we are yet complete as a family, but the door on these two for now are being shut. We are planning a break and then will move towards growing our family again later down the road... and not biologically! This womb shop is closed for business. So we hope and pray for another daughter, one maybe a little younger, and again through foster care. But for now... rest and calm is what is needed so we can recharge for the next season hopefully later this year.
"Every child deserves a home and love. Period."
~Dave Thomas, owner of Wendy's and adoptee, foster/adoption advocate
Me: (Running and soaking wet) South on **** street, towards, I don't know the street, I don't have my glasses on and it's pouring rain. Wait a second, okay, **** street.
911 dispatch: An officer is about to approach
Me: Okay, I see him. (waving arms while running, in pouring rain, without my face even on for the day yet!)
Officer 1: (stepping out of his vehicle, we meet eyes, seem to speak to each other but don't, he runs to one side of a house 1/2 mile away from my home and I run to the other side)
Me: (sound of door clicking or attempting to be opened) Do not go into that home! There could be kids in there! Get away! (opening gate of strangers home, praying please dear God don't let me get charged with trespassing)
Child: (wearing no shoes, only socks, after running away from our home, a half mile away and in the pouring rain) (Jumps fence, then another fence, then another) (Now on the next block)
Me: **** come back here! (Thinking, where in the world did she learn to hop fences!) I will take you where you want to go, just stop running! The police are coming! (Officers 2, 3 & 4 cornering vehicles, exiting vehicles and approaching) Don't do anything stupid ****, they have guns, just let them bring you back home!
Child: I want them to shoot me! I want to die!
Officers 1, 2, 3 & 4: (likely CIT officers (officers that have had Crisis Intervention Training)
Child: (resisting arrest mildly - I have seen worse) I don't want to live in your stupid family. I hate you!
Me: Well that is your choice and I am sorry you feel that way. I love you regardless.
I have learned when you allow severely traumatized kids into your home, you open up the opportunity to get burned and burned bad. This may understandably deter many people from wanting to foster, but I don't want to do that. I want to advocate that there be more godly foster parents out there that are willing to open themselves up to helping these kids heal. So just bear with me, I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just may not be the light you expect just as it was not what we expected either. These kids didn't get to where they are by any fault of their own, but the negative consequences of their parents/biological family will continue to sew discord and chaos for likely years to come and that means as a foster parent; you better be prepared to be a punching bag.
From the sentimental last post I may two months ago, a lot has changed. I wouldn't adjust any of it other than more closely walking with Jesus and honoring God in my every breath, not just some of my breaths. I wouldn't take away the gut wrenching pain I've experienced, or the anger that has brought me to the point I thought I could do terrible things. This is exactly where I believe God can create his most beautiful masterpiece of me. I am honored to be able to get to a place of introspect in which I can see how ugly my heart can be (the ugliness I believe we are all capable of). Understanding this helps me understand how truly holy and perfect God is and that only through Him can I be who I am suppose to be. This is after all something I signed up for. I didn't have to, and could have easily chosen not to, but I did and here I am (we really, as this is with my husband too, this is just my expression though). Should I hit the easy button now?
It certainly has not been all fun, in fact most of it has not been fun. I have most certainly felt on an island at times in my distress, have been tempted to spar with my husband who is definitely not the enemy, have wanted to retreat, have wanted to punch a wall, or a face, however, I have refrained just for the record! Even my husband and my arguments earlier on in our marriage have never brought me to a place of rage like having kids from trauma has. Trying to love someone who is fighting so strongly against you when you are doing so much to help them is a conundrum that I believe only another person who has lived day in and day out with someone overcoming trauma can understand. It would be much easier, happier and more pain free to just throw in the towel.
And while we are not throwing in the towel, but at this point the towel has been thrown on us. This child has chosen not to come back to us. Even though we have stuck things out through after multiple police calls, arrests, assaults, acute hospital stays, residential stays, school suspensions, fights, attacks, allegations, run aways, property damage, this child is un-choosing us. Wow, okay God! Didn't see that one coming! Possibly expected this from another, but not this one. But it is happening. I sure wish she would have chosen otherwise, however, I am content with her choice though, and believe God is still sovereign. She has stated she does not want to be adopted by us, or anyone else and wishes to remain in foster care until she ages out at 18. At this time she seems more content to not have to work on true conflict resolution and would rather have a new staff member every few hours and therapy that can only run so deep without a consistent supportive care giver. We believe she is so hurt and distrusts all adults that she would rather end things on her terms, than dealing with the possibility of things ending on our terms and working on her problems. This is so sad, but we were knee deep and desiring so much to move forward! I quit my job, made myself available for early afternoon school release from alternative school and prepared our home to be the best for her.
We do know she deeply cares for us though. She is allowed to make phone calls twice as week, and twice a week my phone rings from her residential facility. We will continue to love her at a distance and hope and pray the best for her. Meanwhile her brother is still with us, after nearly two years.
This is not my first rodeo and not my first heart jab by a hurt kiddo, so I can go through the stages of grief fairly quickly now. I am just down right pissed at first, then sad, then I am looking to see what God wants to show me. This can often happen in a matter of minutes to just a few hours - improvement from taking days a while back! There is nothing new under the sun, and none of these experiences, behaviors we have had to deal with or pain is new to us that someone else hasn't already experienced in some way or another. We are not special by any means. However, I am grateful beyond logical belief that there is hope in a Savior that brings so much peace and joy WHILE the terrible nasty is happening. Seriously though, WHILE it is happening. In the middle of it, in the midst of it, God is still present! In the midst of having terrible thoughts and thinking I am the most revolting human on this Earth and God is still present! When I feel so rejected by a child I have loved so much, God is still present! When I just for a second wish others would make better choices (ones that preferable don't include trying to tarnish my reputation), God is still present! When I feel like so few people can understand how hard fostering is, God is still present! He is freaking present! Choose to believe that or not, those are the words I live by. What is so amazing about the Lord is that this whole time we have sought Him about having these kids in our home and even though we have strayed from time to time, our prayer has always been for God to clearly shut the door if it is not meant to be. The door has been shut. It slammed actually in a way we would have never guessed. But to God be the glory. Another door will open, we know... for us and for her.
So we have her brother. He has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Over the past few months his behaviors have exacerbated. Things have occurred that would make most people shudder. My other children have requested that he leave as they are on edge with him around, afraid that he is going to hurt their mom. And why wouldn't they be afraid? When they see him make his hand into a gun and point his index finger towards me and pull the trigger, stating he wants me dead. Yep folks, we asked for this. We chose to have kids from severe trauma into our home and we wouldn't change it for the world. We love them and God loves them more than we do. God is in the business of changing hearts, and we are graciously called to join along if we so choose. These little hearts have been damaged so badly, and they need healing desperately. They need to be healed for their own sake, but also for the sake of society. What one man and woman, and likely generations before have done to desecrate, God desires to mend fully. So while this threat to harm me is only the tip of the iceberg of threats and physical violence towards me in particular in front of my other children, we still love this child. We love him so much that we now realize that while he has truly come so far in the almost two years he has been in our home, he can come no further and is now starting to digress. He needs to be in a family with no other children or much older children. The team around him, lead by us, have come to this conclusion. His needs are too great for us, and me in particular to provide consistently and in our home there is a lot of competition and he needs to be the center of attention and affection. We are in the midst of finding a placement for him that will be most fitting and believe we have that family, who has no other children and seem incredibly perfect for him in every way.
This will be yet another massive trauma for him, leaving our home. While he can be so violent towards me (typically for a child with RAD towards the primary care giver) and self harming to the point of requiring one hospital admission and needing a second but due to full hospital census he could not be admitted, he has started to attach to us, clearly. We believe he will be able to fully heal when he can be the sole focus of at least one loving parent. We are excited about his potential and are begging God that we can continue to remain in his life forever, just not at the capacity we originally thought. He deserves to be loved just like any other child.
As you go through the training to become a foster parent in Missouri (and I assume other states as well), you are taught that once a child enters your home you should be prepared to adopt this child. While this is an ideal situation, it may not always be the most practical. There is a lot of pressure on foster parents to continue fostering/adopting children that flip your household upside down, no matter what. There can be the presence of shame when this baseline recommendation is altered. We struggled with this for months. You can be ousted as a foster parent if you change your mind. You can be shamed. Putting notice on a child to leave your home is not simple task and I respect the hell out of other foster parents that have had to do this. I believe most of them having to make a decision like ours have been tormented for hours, days, weeks or months. When you become a foster parent, you are in the business of cleaning up other people's messes. While I greatly dislike referring to a child as a mess, it is the reality. These kids did not choose their parents. They did not choose for their parents to neglect or abuse them, but it happened. It is the society we are in right now in which broken families are the norm and ACE scores of 2+ are frequent. We wonder why so many people harm others. Hurt people, hurt people. Generation after generation, hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people, hurt people on minor scales and major ones. We should all be doing our part to try to heal the hearts of little people before they grow up to be big people that hurt other people and perpetuate the cycle. This likely won't bring wide spread healing without the Master Healer's involvement though. My belief is that without Jesus, we can only do so much. Jesus is the true reconciler and healer and coming from someone who has drastically altered her life to help traumatized kids. I don't agree to term it as failing, it is undoubtedly not the outcome we hoped for and anticipated, it's just redirection and a stronger foundation for future growth. We can only do so much. We are only human. There is a greater power that IS able to heal though. We must trust that even while we have not been chosen for the long haul for these little souls, God has a plan for them and we hope they will discover it and accept it.
My heart hurts. I am exhausted mentally and need a break with the just the four kids we have to regain focus and give them the time that has been taken away from them. I am weak, but yet motivated and encouraged. I certainly experience those days which I just feel down and defeated, but those are few and far between because I don't want to wade in those feelings. They are treacherous and will suck you down and suffocate you faster than any quicksand could I am sure. I have great hope for the future for these kids that our home has been touched by, as well as hope for our future family to grow. We may have been burned, but we are the lesser of the ones experiencing emotional burn trauma. We do not fear the fire and do not believe we are yet complete as a family, but the door on these two for now are being shut. We are planning a break and then will move towards growing our family again later down the road... and not biologically! This womb shop is closed for business. So we hope and pray for another daughter, one maybe a little younger, and again through foster care. But for now... rest and calm is what is needed so we can recharge for the next season hopefully later this year.
"Every child deserves a home and love. Period."
~Dave Thomas, owner of Wendy's and adoptee, foster/adoption advocate